But it was (insert excuse here), right?
22.11.2018
It started with a basketball. I was walking away. You threw the basketball and then called my name. I turned around and the basketball hit me in the face. But it was just a joke, right?
I’d just had knee surgery. You were being nice. You offered to give me a piggy back so I wouldn’t have to struggle with the crutches. You slammed my knee into the door frame. But it was just an accident, right?
You hung out with your ex-girlfriend. At her house. Alone. Until 3 am. I asked you about it. I told you it made me feel insecure. You yelled at me. You told me I was crazy. You called me stupid. You didn’t speak to me for a week. But it was my fault, right? I shouldn’t have questioned it.
We were mucking around. You were tickling me and we were laughing. Then you bit my ear. As hard as you could. It bled. But it was just a game, right?
I went on a 2-month student exchange to improve my Italian. You stayed behind. You messaged another girl and asked for pictures. Multiple times. Until she felt guilty that you had a girlfriend and told you no. But it was my fault, right? I shouldn’t have gone away.
Your sister had a heap of those porcelain dolls in her room. You knew I was terrified of them. You told me to sleep in her room and locked the door. You didn’t let me out until I was in hysterics and screaming. But it was just a joke, right?
You got a letter in the mail saying you were on your last few demerit points. You got angry saying there must have been some mistake. I tried to talk it through with you. Comfort you. Reassure you. Be on your side. You punched the wall next to my head. But it was my fault, right? I should’ve just shut up.
We were in a good place. You took me out for dinner and a movie. Your treat, you said. You paid for it all. When we got back to your house you told me I owed you. I told you I didn’t want to. You didn’t force me. Instead, you took my car keys and hid them. But it was my fault, right? I should’ve just given you what I owed.
We had an argument over my best friend. You told me I shouldn’t hang out with him anymore. I got upset. I tried to walk away and you grabbed my arm and held me there. You yelled at me. You called me a bitch. You called me a slut. You left a bruise. But it was my fault, right? I shouldn’t have male friends.
You left your phone on the couch next to me when you went to the bathroom. You got a Snapchat notification from ‘Sexy Snaps Daily’. I asked you about the Snapchat. You yelled at me. You elbowed me in the ribs as you shoved past and slammed the door in my face when I tried to speak to you. But it was just an accident, right?
I woke up 3 nights in a row to you kicking me in the spine. I confronted you about it. The next night I woke up to you elbowing me in the stomach instead. But it was just a dream, right?
I went home and never came back. You called my phone 8–10 times in a row. Daily. You left me angry voicemails. You yelled at me and called me names when I picked up. You sat out the front of my friend’s houses for hours. You sent my friends passive aggressive messages when they hung out with me. But it was just you trying to win me back, right?
This is my story. It took place over the course of 4 years. It killed my self-esteem. It ruined me emotionally and I found myself with a complete inability to enjoy anything, even the things I had once loved.
It does, however, have a happy ending. I (FINALLY) realized that this wasn’t normal. That I deserved better and I walked away. It was one of the hardest, yet easiest things I’ve ever done. For a long time, I didn’t share this with anyone. My friends and family couldn’t understand why I seemed to grow and flourish and move on so quickly afterward. In all honesty, it took me a long time to be open about my story and to trust completely again.
It’s now been 3 years since I removed myself from such a toxic situation and I find myself in a much better place. I’m surrounded by supportive friends and family and have accomplished many of my goals and dreams, both professionally and personally. Every single day I am grateful for the courage that I had to be able to walk away. That I realized that I’m worth more and deserve better.
Unfortunately, not all stories end the way mine did with violence against women at epidemic levels in Australia. Alarmingly, one woman a week loses her life at the hands of a current or former partner and one in two women experience sexual harassment during their lifetime.
Tomorrow is White Ribbon Day. The White Ribbon Campaign (WRC) is a global movement working to end male violence against women and girls. The campaign intends to raise awareness about the prevalence of male violence against women. Active in over 60 countries, the movement seeks to promote healthy relationships and gender equity. The day itself is Australia’s largest awareness day where communities from all over the country come together to stand up, speak out and act, and say ‘no’ to gendered violence.
If you or someone you know needs help, you can contact:
A trusted friend or family member.
Kids Helpline Counsellor: 1800 55 1800 or online at https://kidshelpline.com.au
Relationships Australia: 1300 364 277
1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732 or online at https://www.1800respect.org.au/
Mensline Australia: 1300 78 99 78 or online at https://mensline.org.au/
LIfeline: 13 11 14 or online at https://www.lifeline.org.au/
And remember, if something doesn’t feel right to you, it probably isn’t. Although it’s difficult, talk to somebody you trust about it. You don’t sound as stupid as you think you do.
Love, R x
